March 23, 2019

Dear Husband,

You will never read this letter. Even when we lived together, you refused to accept my letters when you knew I was trying to express my emotions and thoughts to you. You wouldn’t listen. More times than not, I would find the letters untouched where I left them, or in the trash. You never wanted to know, and I understand why, but you are wrong.

If you would only listen, I would tell you how much I love you. I loved you so much that I sacrificed my heart, my soul, and everything I owed to keep you safe. All I asked in return was that you seek help and try to defeat your addictions. In the end, I lost everything… everything but our child. I would have sacrificed myself for you, but I cannot and will not sacrifice an innocent child for anything in the world.

I used to think that if I had your back regardless of what you said and did at work and with your family, you wouldn’t be left alone and give up. All that did was ensure that you kept acting the same, and in the end, you only had me, no one else.

I used to think that if I kept paying to replace everything you constantly destroyed and paid all the bills; your stress would stay low and you won’t drink. All that did was leave me in debt with nothing to call my own.

I used to believe that if I stayed silent or just lay there while you did to me whatever you wanted, the attacks wouldn’t get out of hand. All that did was kill my soul. It destroyed my self-image. It made me incapable of trust and unable to be touched. It made me angry and cruel. It stole my kindness, my laughter, and my smile.

That is why I left. Though I thought about abortion (hating the idea of how my child was created). I chose to give her life. And in return, she saved mine. I will not let you do to her what you did to me, or worse. We stayed longer than we should have, but when you started to put her life in danger because of your addictions and bipolar disorder, I had to put a stop to it. I had to stop being a bad mother. I had to learn to love myself and smile again so that I could show her love and laughter.

You gave me the best gift in the world. And if I’m honest, I still love you as much as I ever did. Perhaps not in the same way, but love is still there. And that is why my heart was shattered when you lost your job, thanks to your addiction and attitude, only 2 months after you WILLINGLY chose to homeless. I did everything I could to help you, but you still refuse to believe there is anything wrong with you.

You asked if you could stay with us for a few days. You forget I know you. You wanted me to open the door for you so that you can burrow into our home. You have already tied to use our address multiple times. And I told you flat out that I didn’t feel comfortable having you here during high stress when you had been drinking that very day.

Still, you chose to push your way in. You showed up without my consent. I let you in ONLY because our child cried for you when she saw you. I told you to sleep in her room. You ignored me and did what you wanted. You tried to make me take your debit card so that you would have a reason to come back when I made it clear I didn’t want you there. When I told you not to touch me. You didn’t listen. You never do.

When I left you, I told you that if there was ever a chance for us to be a family again, you needed to be sober for at least a year before we could discuss it. You haven’t made it 1 month sober in over a year since we left. Nothing has changed, and now you are angry and see me as the enemy because I didn’t do what you wanted. Because I refused to be used. Because I refuse to let you destroy my life once again.

It broke my heart to kick you out. It’s been 2 days since we talked. Still, I cry with pain and guilt. But this is not my fault. You hated your job for over 6 months. And for 6 months, I begged you to look for work somewhere else. Every time you had the police called on you, for into a car accident and fled the scene while dunk, every time you got arrested, I BEGGED you to get help. To go to an AA/NA meeting. I have begged and begged, and nothing has changed.

It’s been over 5 years, but I still remember what I’ve learned at your rehabs and meeting when we first started going out. Every time I support you after you have ruined something in your life, every time I help you find a way out of a problem, every time that let you stay here when you have nowhere and no one left in your life, I am enabling you.

I must stop. I need to be strong for both of us. To you, it may not be a big deal. It is nowhere near the worst thing that has happened due to your addictions, but it is my line. A person can only take so much, lose so much, care so much before they to give up. I don’t give up on believing in you or loving you. I give up on being your crutch to your self-realization and healing. I give up on my own self-destruction. I give up on putting you before my own well-being, and most importantly, before our child.

Instead, I will be your support when you decide to get help. I will be honest with you, even when you hate me for it. I will teach you to respect me by setting boundaries and sticking to them. I will think of you often. I will tell your daughter how much you love her, though you can’t be with her. I will be your friend and love you for ad long as I live.

I knew you when you were sober. I know how smart and loving you can be. I know the potential that lives in you. And I hope with every cell in my body that you make the right chose and get help, you make life worth living. That you become a man much like the one I first fell in love with.

We will never be the same people we were 5.5 years ago. But I wish you nothing but good things. Safe travels on this journey.

Love,

Your wife.