Before you read this, know that I have been working on this for a few days, but I just don’t have it in me to write a real paper… especially since I’ve been out of school for a minute and I am beyond exhausted.

Consider this a half-ass personal thoughts essay.

Toxic Positivity

Though I have not been overly active on a very specific social media site of late, I have been doing some reading. I have read wonderful pieces that speak of real personal growth and active work to evolve, as uncomfortable as it is. Some pieces just do not speak to me, mostly because they are topics that do not apply to my lifestyle. And then there are pieces that make me think “toxic positivity.”

Let me explain myself.

One of the most common messages I have recently seen on a very specific social media site is: “You’re not too much.” The phrase is meant to comfort people who have spent their lives feeling rejected, misunderstood, or unwanted. And in many ways, I understand why it resonates.

These words caught my attention and validated the identity I have silently carried. No one should be made to feel unworthy because they have needs, emotions, desires, boundaries, or scars. No one should be shamed for existing.

But there is an uncomfortable truth hidden beneath that message.

Sometimes, we are too much. Not because we are bad people. Not because we are unlovable. Not because we don’t deserve compassion. Sometimes, we are too much because our wounds have become so large that they have become part of our identity. They become an excuse to stop working towards healing and refocus on how we just need to find the right person who won’t see us as too much.

Deep Wounds and Traumas

Many of us carry deep wounds and traumas. We carry abandonment wounds, attachment wounds, childhood neglect, betrayal, abuse, rejection, grief, and loss. These experiences shape us in ways that are often beyond our control, especially in the beginning. We did not choose what happened to us. We did not choose the survival mechanisms we developed to endure it. Yet there comes a point where our survival strategies stop protecting us and start hurting us.

The anxious attachment that once helped us cling to connection becomes obsession, while avoidant attachment that once shielded us from pain becomes an inability to fully connect. The hypervigilance that once kept us safe becomes suspicion. The walls that once protected our hearts become emotional unavailability. The need for reassurance becomes a demand that no human being could ever fully satisfy.

At some point, we have to ask ourselves a difficult question: “Is this behavior protecting me, or is it now controlling me?”

That is where accountability begins.

The Truth

The truth is that many of us eventually become “too much” not because of who we are, but because of the pain we have not yet healed. We become too much when our fears dictate our actions. We become too much when our trauma repeatedly create the same suffering. We become too much when our wounds hurt the people around us and ourselves.

Acknowledging this is not self-hatred. It is self-awareness. In fact, refusing to acknowledge it can keep us trapped in suffering.

When people say, “You’re not too much,” they are often trying to offer empathy, comfort, and acceptance for who they are. But acceptance without accountability can become another form of avoidance. It can encourage us to see ourselves only as victims of our wounds rather than active participants in our healing.

This is where “toxic positivity” can quietly enter the conversation. Toxic positivity is the belief that difficult emotions, flaws, and painful truths should be replaced with unwavering positivity. While usually well-intentioned, it can discourage honest self-reflection and growth. Telling someone their behavior or wounds is not a problem, never responsible, and never “too much” may feel supportive in the moment, but it can also become a way of avoiding the uncomfortable work of healing. Genuine healing requires us to acknowledge both our pain and the ways that pain sometimes affects others.

Growth begins when we are willing to face difficult truths rather than simply covering them with comforting affirmations (Quintero & Long, 2019). Healing requires both compassion and responsibility. There is a fine distinction between the two.

Compassion requires us to understand the story that shaped us and why we adapted the way we did. But responsibility requires us to evaluate whether our adaptive survival mechanisms are still helping us or hurting us and those we care about. It requires that we STOP allowing them to dictate the next chapters of our lives.

Both are necessary in order for the patterns, behaviors, beliefs, and suffering to become manageable. Both are necessary for us to heal and start making better choices and set healthy boundaries on others AND OURSELVES that do not push others away but rather protectus in healthy ways.

Research on self-compassion consistently shows that being kind to ourselves does not reduce accountability. However, self-compassion with greater willingness to take responsibility is greatly associated with repairing harm and making meaningful changes (Breines & Chen, 2012; Neff, 2003). People who approach themselves with compassion are often more capable of growth because they are less consumed by shame. But growth cannot happen with toxic positivity; it happens with accountability.

Healing and Recovery

Likewise, trauma recovery research suggests that healing involves acknowledging the impact of trauma while actively working to process and integrate those experiences rather than remaining defined by them. Recovery is not about pretending trauma never happened. It is about refusing to let it continue to run our lives (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). This is the balance that so many people are missing. This is the reason so many of us are stuck being “too much” for others, and even to ourselves.

We are not bad because you are struggling. We are not broken because we developed unhealthy coping mechanisms. We are not unworthy because our wounds sometimes make us difficult people in relationships. But we are responsible for healing them.

No one else can do that work for us. Not our partners, our family, our friends, or even our therapist. Not even the people who hurt us.

Healing is an act of self-love. It is choosing to stop letting the parts that once helped us survive our old wounds and start healing them so we can live full lives with less suffering. It is deciding that your trauma may explain our behavior, but it does not excuse it forever.

The goal is not perfection; it is awareness. The goal is recognizing patterns before they destroy another relationship, another opportunity, another piece of yourself. The goal is learning to hold ourselves with enough compassion to face the painful truth about ourselves.

Here is the hard truth: Yes, we have been too much. Too reactive. Too fearful. Too controlling. Too dependent. Too avoidant. Too angry. Too jealous. Too clingy. Too desperate to be loved… to feel worthy, to feel chosen. That does not mean we are unlovable.

What it actually means is that we have healing to do.

There is genuine hope in that realization because if your wounds created the pattern, then healing can change it.

Let Me Be Clear

Accountability does not mean that we need to hate ourselves into becoming better. We simply need the courage to see ourselves clearly. The uncomfortable truth is that we are too much. The important truth is that we do not have to stay that way. Choosing ourselves means choosing healing. We choose healing by holding ourselves accountable. We are accountable by facing the truth with compassion and doing the work in therapy and in our everyday lives.

Accountability and healing are not about becoming less; it is about becoming whole. It is about hope for a better future.

Final Thoughts

That being said, let me say that facing the truth, facing that you aren’t just a victim but your own instigator, and doing the work… it is not easy. It hurts like Hell.

I find myself crying on the bathroom floor, in my garden when I meditate, on hikes when I am around people I love. When I hold my child. There are days the pain is so great, and the guilt of e hat I’ve done to myself is so overwhelming that it breaks me down into nothing.

That is when I do my best work. When I turn compassion for myself on. When I tell myself that what happened to me was not my fault, but facing this pain and suffering is the first step to healing. When I remind myself that healing brings the hope of a better life with less pain and suffering for myself and those that I love.

I wish you all the best. May accountability bring you healing, hope, and love.

References

Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

Quintero, S., & Long, C. (2019). The role of positive thinking in emotional avoidance and psychological well-being. Journal of Mental Health and Clinical Psychology, 3(4), 1-8.

Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1-18. https://doi.org/10.1207/s15327965pli1501_01